The teacher is droning away in the classroom when he notices a
student sleeping way up in the back row.
The teacher shouts to the sleeping student's neighbor, "Hey wake that
student up!"
The neighbor yells back, "You put him to sleep,
you wake him up!"
[Art of Grading] Here is a list of the ways professors grade
their final exams:
• Department of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the
normal bell curve.
• Department of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in
their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor open the
books and assigns the first grade that comes to mid.
• Department of History: All students get the same grade they got
last year.
• Department of Religion: Grade is determined by God.
• Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they
should receive an A.
• Department of Mathematics: Grades are variable.
• Department of Logic: If and only if
the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a
passing grade then the student will receive an A
else the student will not receive an A.
• Department of Computer Science: Random number generator
determines grade.
• Department of Physical Education: Everybody get an A.
• Department of Political Science: Stand at the top of the stairs
and toss all final papers out, the ones closest to the top will get A,
and furthest down will get F.
• Department of Mechanical Engineering: Final papers that can be
blown away will get F.
• Department of Physics: Final papers that cannot block out
sunlight completely will get F.
• Department of Chemistry: Final papers that completely burn to
ash first will get F.
• Department of Electrical Engineering: Students can have any one
of these grades:
A (Ampere) if they can resist high current.
C (Coulomb) if they get high all the time.
F (Farad) if they eat too much and have too much energy.
W (Watt) if they have power to work.
• Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by
listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would
be sharp and flat respectively).
[Think Like a Lawyer] The professor of a
contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were
to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey
to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title,
claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind,
juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to
bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away
with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before
or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature
or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
[Professor's Wish] A graduate student, a post-doc, and a
professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil
lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the graduate student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai
on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor smiles and says, "I want those guys back in the lab after
lunch."